Radio 5 Live is a go to of mine, sport, and wave upon wave of meaningless trivia. Something to do whilst pealing potato, cracking eggs, and whisking up a souffle.

Listening to 5 Live Drive and that everyman, Tony Livesey, interview all manner of guests in all types of fields is infuriating.

Matters of substance simplified with craven naivety. Livesey is consistent in so much that he knows little about anything and with each topic he deepens that misunderstanding. Like a fly that insists upon butting a lightbulb, I switch it on then off with maddening regularity.

On my Digital Radio, Livesey sounds incredibly like Adrian Giles? With Giles however you get a sense of humility and acknowledgement that he knows his limitations and faces them with warmth, humor and feeling. Livesey on the other hand sounds like the chap who smuggled himself into a train station control room and through the public address system thinks of nothing better than to simply announce train schedules with a giggle a bleep and a burp?

I imagine Simon Baile must feel like this weekly! Announcing a misshapen Football Team and sharing points of reference. Is Baile a keen Scrabble player, all those bloody letters with nowhere to go? So, each week he trudges up, truncated, extrapolates a peculiar formation with various meaningless warnings and foreboding.

Football for some is quite serious and for others it’s just a fun hobby. The problem for Old Tiffs 1’s it seems is that they have not read Danish Goalkeeper, Peter Schmeichel’s, new book. The United Legend’s fable could be condensed into 1 paragraph that reads “The best teams simply work harder”! So, what happened today then? Why, as I write this, do I feel disemboweled? It is as if one has left something intangible and irretrievable floating over the Grists lawn?

Duppy or “Duppies” according to Caribbean folklore, are spirits that consume Rum which evaporates from aging casks. Well, my cask is empty and rapidly aging as I counted 5 or was it 6 duppies bypass our defensive line to decisively reward today’s visitors, Claygate Royals, a half dozen or so before we returned fire with 1 from the spot.

But, for a few spells of play we looked like a team still wearing diapers up against a team that have played together since wearing diapers. Largely Bald and a tad chubby it was no surprise to see us succumb after a good start when the two hirsute wingers left the field. Jedd hamstring and me myself and I to change footwear.

The Gaffer insisted that this was a grudge match and sensing little malice, the Tiffs collective thought it unneighborly not to pass the ball to them as if it were a game of pass the parcel.  Schmeichel is right of course, good teams do work harder and collectively Man for Man the Tiffs efforts petered out like damp fireworks.

On an upbeat note, we discover there is strong solidarity in the team. If one player has a shocker, we all club together to join them so that nobody feels lonely and isolated. There was one moment I received a pass from the center circle and somehow managed to lose possession whist simultaneously being dumped on my derriere. It was comforting then when I heard someone utter beneath their breath “Oh my fu%king god that is fu%king sh%t”!

Only a few minutes later, said player was thrown the ball and upon attempting to flick it backwards, headed it forward with considerable gusto to put in Claygate on the counter. It was quite hilarious actually and rather than insult rhe said player, I tried to catch his eye for a sense of contrition. It was hard to see if he caught my glance as his face was muddied after said header.

Thomas Hobbes of Malmesbury 1588 to 1679 once said “People are inordinately fond of their own ideas, for they see their own thoughts from close quarters but other Men’s from a distance”!

There is spirit at the Grist’s, which we detected at a far in the Tiffs 2’s!  A side who fought their way through a difficult match with integrity and aplomb I understand.

The final missive is addressed to Carlos and his penalty. Do the Tiffs have another haughty Eric Cantona type figure within their ranks. Weather it be free kicks or penalties, he saunters up to take either with daring and creativity. A Matador in a previous life perhaps?

Onwards and upwards I feel. Next week the formidable Rams, unless we are all dropped of course!

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Dave Smith