Purple People Eaters,
Welcome to yet another edition of The Peril.
Huge and difficult questions asked (and not really answered) in this week’s installment. How did John Legend beat Gorgeous Alan to the title of Sexiest Man Alive? Who would you rather have in your team, James Matthews or Kyle Walker? Is Conrad still wearing a chicken outfit as his standard daily attire? What do we do now Bercow’s gone?
Usual commentary on the weather: cold, damp, windy etc. Perfect. Players wearing gloves/tights/snoods should be fined heavily, especially goalkeepers.
Right, first things first. John Legend is a very attractive man, with a voice that’s the equivalent of a 16-course tasting menu prepared by a Frankenstein’s monster composed of the remains of Alain Ducasse, Joel Robuchon and Martin Berasategui, and the sexual appetite of a panther on viagra. Whilst this is admirable, and he’s done well, he’s clearly not in the same league as Gorgeous. Legend hasn’t scored a single goal in the Amateur Football Combination this season. He’s never had to face the ruthlessly detailed and pedantic application of Tour Rules by The Member for Surrey Heath. He’s never showered at Grists. There are so many things he hasn’t done. The comparison, how ever far we take it, continues to yield only one conclusion. A travesty. A wild miscarriage. A rapacious flaunting of the fundamentals of justice. The Peril has written to the judges of this farcical competition demanding an immediate public enquiry and recount, and the subsequent crowning of Gorgeous Alan.
Last weekend saw yet another weekend of sporting endeavour at Grists. Historians are checking, but this may be the longest run of autumnal games on record without a flood suspension.
The 1s returned to winning ways, soundly beating a Sedcopian 11 in what must have been sweet revenge for a jarring loss to the same oppo the week before. The 2s, short on individuals willing to wear gloves, fall over and be even more static than usual, had no keeper. Cometh the hour, cometh the Fuse. James Matthews bravely stepped forward, taking one for the team, despite his lynchpin role as an attacking, flair-laden wingback. The rest of the chaps, conscious of the need to protect their fledgling number 1, surrendered a penalty early in the first half rather than allow a potentially surprising shot from open play. Fuse faced down the opposition striker, steeled himself and leapt like a tasered salmon to his left, pushing the ball past the post and away to safety in a match-winning display of agility. Despite calls for VAR to intervene due to his somewhat suspect initial positioning slightly forward of the line, the ref waved play on and the lads went on to secure a narrow 6-1 victory. The 3s, hampered by several failed late fitness tests, fielded a bare 11 and just about came in 2nd. The 4s and Vets had less than memorable afternoons against their respective oppos, but had a lovely time catching up with everyone.
The 5s, in a deeply unfortunate turn of events, had to cancel their game to ensure we fulfilled the other games. This is clearly suboptimal. Please make every effort to turn out if you can. Please also recruit anyone who you think is worthy of the honour of donning the famous purple shirt.
In other news, last week saw the publication of the latest AFC hospitality stats. Whilst our performances on the pitch have been heavily average thus far this season, our performance off it is world-beating. The 2s in particular are incredibly hospitable, allowing visiting teams the run of the place, and ensuring they go home well fed, watered and with wonderful memories of Grists to share with their loved ones. 9/10. We’ve also done incredibly well as a club in Spirit of Football terms, with the 8th highest coefficient in the league. Fantastic work chaps. We are nothing if not fair and hospitable.
This weekend sees yet more association football being played across the autumnal realm that is south London. Various teams are in action. Come down and enjoy some of our (now famous) hospitality. If lucky, you may even witness a goalkeeping miracle.
Go forth and conquer for all that is purple.
“Sometimes you look in a field and you see a cow and you think it’s a better cow than the one you’ve got in the field.”
– Alex Ferguson
Weddings, Births, Familial Events
Mr Dickinson got married last weekend. Unfortunately he couldn’t quite time the wedding to ensure a quick run out for the 2s. Please congratulate him next time you see him. We look forward to the match report.
Many, many corrections submitted this week. Most have been burnt. A few, unfortunately, survived.
Mr Bostelman has been in touch to inform the peril that his name is actually spelt “Bostelmann”. Mr “Bostelmann” has apologised profusely for the error.
Dave Harry was not, in fact, present at the TAL AGM. Rumour has it Dave was having a nice lie down that took a bit longer than expected after binge listening to The Archers omnibus.
The Chairman has been in touch to point out that the use of the new whiteboards at Grists mentioned in the last iteration of the was in fact the second use of the whiteboards and not the first. The Peril has soundly beaten itself in compensation for this error. This level of administrative detail demonstrates pedantry of the highest orderrr and should be aspired to by all at the club. We salute you, Mr Chairman.
A Mr Umrigar has been in touch. His submission is below.
“Due to the unfortunate lack of pedantry regarding Vol 2, I’ve decided to throw my hat in the ring for Vol 3.
In the request ‘lawyers/accountants might be particular useful’, the writer exposes a stunning lack of adjectival/adverbial agreement. Perhaps the Peril should be requesting an editor instead?”
The Peril does not know where to start. The volume that mentioned the requirement for lawyers/accountants was Volume 3, not volume 2. Appalling. The Peril is wordless.
Mr Umrigar has been added to The Peril’s editorial staff on a probationary basis as junior under-editor. The Peril has suggested a regular feature named “Thad’s Column”.