So, the opening day of the Season, a discernible sunshine and a tranquil wind that gently caresses the skin. Claygate jousted us out of it last time round, a competent result at Surbiton Racecourse buoyed on perhaps by their new signing the fledgling and mercurial talent Ali Rawlinson.

Ali was missing today, be it a hangover or a genuine fear of retribution it wouldn’t have mattered. The Tiffs had the kind of fire in their belly that’s not been seen since an away win at Acton.

I won’t pretend I paid too much attention, but I was delighted to see a svelte Jayson back between the sticks. Sniffer too arrived in magnanimous fashion; the Tiffs kit hung suggestively from a body that would complement any centre spread for kinky middle-aged Men that prefer follicly challenged blokes.

The game itself was difficult. Jed made several strong challenges whilst Oscar probed and teased like a young Telly Savalas. Shaun, I am simply going to be a nuisance throughout, was fantastic down the centre and Dave Harry looked invigorated after a decent preseason.

Nevertheless, the game hung in the balance, Claygate looked like the most likely team to score. Carl, competent throughout, calmly recovered his composure after being winded within the first two minutes. It’s not certain whether he was winded, had a stitch, or dog tired but he got up and soldiered on with that wry grin of his.

Ben two was involved. An odd performance from the Flashman of the team. Perhaps it was the fact his name so long having been synonymous with a spell on the bench had been gifted 90m to show his fitness and finesse. Time and time again he insisted upon spreading the ball neatly to the opposite wing after quickly realising his legs didn’t have much forward motion. Resorting to a kind of side-to-side shuffle akin to the line dancing moves he picked up from a sexy lady from Kirklees.

Gaffer Baille settled for a dystopian speech at half time, and I was quickly led to think of the woeful efforts of USA president Joe Biden trying to threaten the gullible masses to keep on being jabbed. Biden is a joke like our very own Bozza, determined to continue to pull the wool over everybody’s eyes – this week they are trying to convince people that the huge shortage of drivers has nothing to do with Brexit?

To be fair to Baille, I think he called it by enlarge correct today! Getting it occasionally right is often an accidental consequence to belligerently sticking around well past your sell by date. I suspect he consumes a large amount of wine sulphites and suitably well preserved.

Goals from Dave Harry’s nut and Carl from the spot.

If I have missed anyone out Steve, Richard Jones and Toby count yourself lucky!

Claygate 0 Old Tiffs 2

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