Spirits were high following a huge win in the cup the previous week, combined with Aidan’s return from Uni for the Christmas holidays, and Joe Jordan’s impeccable display in nabbing the phone number of the singer from the Christmas social.

 

However, The Tiffs were forced to wait a whole long week before being reunited, and able to grace the turf of the Southern Amateur Football League South Division 2.

 

This meant a trip down the road, and indeed a homecoming for some, for the final fixture of a challenging 2025, as Old Blues welcomed the Purple Princes to Hamlands.

 

Perhaps the much fabled ‘silly season’ had yet to truly begin, the disastrous winter flu had evaded the entire team (other than MBP), or squad members realised there was nothing better to do on a Saturday in mid-December? Whatever the explanation, skipper Will had the rare delight of a well-balanced, high-quality 12 to choose from.

 

However, there were some key questions to be answered before The Brave Boys strode out onto the immaculate playing surface…

 

1) Could the Purps translate their cup form into a much-needed league win, to take them off the bottom of the table?

2) Lining up together for the first time, who out of Aidan and Ralph would win the coveted title of “child who is infinitely more talented than the rest of the team”?

3) Would James Kimber ever shut up about playing on this very same pitch in his teens?

 

As the referee blew his whistle to start the game, the low winter sun perfectly backlit the “James Kimber Memorial Pitch”, with Forsyth sticking to the gradually improving, tried-and-tested 3 at the back, and retaining the majestic Owusu-Adu in midfield.

 

For 25 minutes, it worked. Perfectly.

 

Despite not dominating possession, Tiffs were looking the more dangerous going forwards, and by far the more defensively solid of the two teams. Seb was rarely called into action other than taking collecting the ball for goal-kicks, the young/younger/old midfield combination of Jordan/Ralph/Will were well on top of the midfield battle, with both Jack D and JJ11 looking incredibly dangerous.

 

After some clever interplay on the right hand side led by Sammarco, it wasn’t long before the mercurial JJ found himself in behind. Following a swift look up, the ‘Poundland Steven Bartlett’ punished the Old Blues defence and slotted home to give the Tiffs an early lead.

 

Cool, calm and collected. Well in control. We hadn’t even brought Aidan off the bench yet. Simple as that, right?

 

Wrong.

 

What followed was 10 minutes of error-ridden chaos – overhit passes, fluffed clearances and a general air of panic. In that tight timeframe, Tiffs went from being in the driving seat to somehow finding themselves going into the break 2-1 down.

 

The final 5 minutes of the half had showed some promise of returning to the fast start, with Forsyth leading the charge in a frustrated, irritated and ultimately confused half-time team talk.

 

After a few opinions were offered on what was going wrong, the words “those points are all really interesting and relevant, but let’s just try keeping the f***ing ball” spilled from the mouth of our exulted leader.

 

Following a few deep breaths and a long lie down to regain his thoughts, combined with Kimber’s girlfriend arriving on the touchline, Forsyth decided the best course of action was to sub himself off for the entire second half. Thus giving him the perfect opportunity to test out if his newly crowned ‘DILF’ status was true.

 

Kimber’s girlfriend left shortly after the full-time whistle in pindrop silence, with a look of genuine terror on her face.

 

The second half began with Tiffs taking stranglehold of the game almost immediately, with the schoolboy midfield pairing of Aidan “he looks about 12” Hobday and Ralph starting to pull the strings, and Carey and Sammarco providing increasing threat in the wide channels.

 

Following some terse exchanges in midfield, with Jordan at one point being tackled by the referee without the man in the middle stopping play, the equaliser came from a moment of genius. A sumptuous 30-yard trivela from that man Jordan, releasing JJ11 down the left hand side, who outpaced the defence before cutting in and stroking the ball home.

 

2-2, order restored, and game on in the Christmas six-pointer.

It was now finely in the balance, and with Forsyth too terrified to sub himself on, the game started to open up – so much so, that at one end, Jordan attempted an overhead kick which drew laughter from both the pitch and the touchline.

 

Up at the other, Seb made some smart saves following a sustained period of Old Blue pressure, Kimber made a crucial sliding block (mostly to try and distract his girlfriend’s attention away from Will), while Ben Carey was concentrating so hard he even managed to forget Monicah for a few brief moments.

 

In a game of fine margins, sometimes a bit of quality is all that’s needed to unlock the three points. Unfortunately for his ego, but fortunately for the pitcher sellers behind the bar, it was JJ11 who provided.

 

Following good work from Carey down the left, the flying fullback fired a cross across the box which was begging to be tapped in at the back post. With the goal at his mercy, JJ instead decided to play a one-two with said post, before slamming home his hattrick goal to bellows of delight from the men in purple.

 

Through a mixture of game management and resolute defending, the Purps continued to soak up pressure in the final few minutes. Negotiating not only some handbags with the very ‘chatty’ Old Blues number 10, but also a confusing but surprisingly impressive drop ball routine, and a rapid flurry of corners.

 

Nevertheless in the dying embers of the game, Joey Sammarco strode clear on a rapid counterattack, slotting home a near-identical goal for the 2nd time in 2 weeks. The Italian Stallion giving Tiffs breathing space and confirming all three points, at the end of a feverish encounter.

 

Up to the dizzy heights of 8th in the table, Tiffs finish off 2025 with hope of an elusive cup run and some more table-climbing for the fast-approaching new year…