Result: OTFC Is 1-0 Clapham Old Xaverians IIs

Goal scorer: Joe Matthews

High quality, high drama, and the return of one of our own. The Grist’s Memorial Ground was host to a MASSIVE game over the weekend.

Let down by kids who prefer to play catch, ravaged by injuries, and with Ron ‘bumblefingers’ Weasley between the sticks, Old Tiffs were staring down the barrel as the whistle blew. Early signs were ominous, the oppo’s eyes lit up as a slick opening move saw their slippery winger come up against a man so slow, it is often thought he is drowning. But despite pace, strength, technical ability, and composure being low on the Champ Manager stats, Fusey tops the charts in flair, positioning, and the ability to outsmart the oppo by luring them into a false sense of security. The ability to fall over at a moment’s notice would unsettle Lionel Messi in the Nou Camp.

Not a lot happened after that.

So, on to the second half. A rousing half time team talk/lullaby from Ed Sheeran and the troops were raring to go. Kim Chung Steve was so fired-up he was booked for ploughing right through the back of the opposition centre back. Now, now Steve, don’t bring your Friday nights onto the field of play. Anticipating further fireworks from the snood-wearing lefty, Mick Hucknall swiftly benched him for the second time.

Not a lot happened for the next 15-20 minutes.

The Owens and Wightwick centre back partnership, ably assisted by Fuse and Jason Richardson, kept anything from troubling an 11 year old Prince Harry in goal. A spectacle it was not.

But then… Like Katy Perry soaring on to the stage during half time at the Super Bowl, Tom Scott finally removed his jogging bottoms to contribute to the effort. A delightful ball played over from the right, to find the one and only Joey Matthews, licking his lips as the bounce favoured a left foot shoeing. He had been standing there for about 20 minutes, resembling Nelson on a Sunday afternoon at Trafalgar Square, but the boy only needs asking once. Shin, ankle, toe-end, who cares? The net fibres rippled and the Tiffs back four stiffened at the thought of defending the slender lead.

3 points there for the taking, surely Old Tiffs would hold out, even with Gerri Halliwell rooted between the posts. Wave after wave of oppo pressure came crashing against a wall so solid that even Miley Cyrus and her wrecking ball couldn’t break through. Former Tiffs youth system favourite – Jimmy Evans – had the ball on a string from set pieces, but again the almighty Old Tiffs back line held. As the troops tired, the effeminate legs of Bruno, and sparkling pink footwarmers of Reece kept the engine running. 90 minutes, a final whistle, and glory was ours. The mighty 1st team have bagged so many points in recent weeks I need a calculator to add them all up #winning.