BREAKING NEWS
Official Club Statement
OTFC appoint Burns-Peake & Kimber as 1st XI co-managers

Old Tiffinians Football Club can confirm that club chairman Greg Nutt, has appointed Matt Burns-Peake & James Kimber as 1st XI co-managers, on a long-term contract ahead of the 2026/27 season.

The pair are promoted following their respective stints as vice-captains – with Kimber initially taking on the role as understudy to club legend Will Forsyth back in 2019, and Burns-Peake stepping in two seasons ago following Kimber’s pair of unsuccessful loan spells in Asia and South America.

Forsyth himself stood down earlier in the summer shrouded in controversy, after his plans to sell off stakes in the annual 5-a-side competition to private investors were scrapped following enormous fan protests and a successful legal challenge from the AFA.

Nevertheless, the disgraced ex-skipper will be working closely with the pair to assure a seamless handover of duties, and the club wants to put on record that neither Kimber or Burns-Peake will be commenting on the rumours that they were too scared to take on the role alone.

The club has confirmed that Nutt and Forsyth worked in tandem to build out an extensive selection shortlist earlier this summer, prior to his departure announcement. After their first 17 choices declined the offer or did not respond, the club acted swiftly to appoint the pair as co-managers to ensure some continuity from Forsyth’s successful tenure.

After the pair scraped through an AGM vote 5-4 against ‘Re-Open Nominations’, club sources say Nutt is “glad it’s finally f***ing over” when approached about the selection process.

The club wishes to put on record their thanks to the pair for taking on the role, and are looking forward to the upcoming season.

Newly appointed Old Tiffinians FC 1st XI co-manager, Matt Burns-Peake, said: “First of all, we want to pass on our thanks and congratulations to our immediate predecessors. Your Forsyth’s, your Bostelmann’s and your Rose’s are bona fide club legends, who each steadied the ship and raised standards over their respective tenures. Pressure is a privilege, and we are very aware that we’re standing on the shoulders of giants.”

His fellow co-manager, James Kimber, said: “We’re committed to continuing their good work. Not only on the pitch and at the training ground, but most importantly – at the bar and in the showers. There’s a great balance between us, and our roles are clear. I can do some admin and shout on the pitch, while Matt brings some respectability to the role in terms of actually being good at football.”

-ENDS-

Press conference transcript:
Club chairman Greg Nutt steps out from behind the club branding board, followed by Burns-Peake and Kimber, and sees that only 2 chairs have been set out behind the rickety trestle table.

Nutt: “Oh for f…”

Kimber & Burns-Peake stand awkwardly, while Nutt steps to one side and fetches a chair, dragging it along the ground, which makes a horrible scraping noise while the cameras (all 15 of which are somehow manned by Dicky Bostelmann) flash.

Nutt: “Right. I’ve had a long day, let’s get this over with. Any questions?”

Journalist: “Hi gents, Fuse Matthews from The Sun here. How is this co-manager set-up going to work? Are the rumours we’re hearing true that you were both too scared to take on the role alone?” (Nutt growls angrily in the corner)

MBP: “Oh, god yes – Greg actually forced…” (Greg loudly clears his throat) “oh, right. Yep. Sorry… No comment”.

Journalist: “Pat Hucks from Australia Today. What’s your approach going to be to the youth academy?”

Kimber, who had raised his hand suspiciously quickly: “I can take this one Matt. We’re famous throughout the leagues for our fertile, high-quality academy programme, and integrating these players into the first team. You only have to look at players such as Gorgeous Alan…” (Kimber pauses and sighs, wiping away what looks like a tear from his cheek) “ahem, excuse me. Joey Sammarco, Birse, the Gledshark, Talman and Haji as examples of our elite player pathway. All at different stages of their careers, but all lovely handsome boys who also happen to be good at football. I’ve discussed with Matt, and I’ll be taking a very close personal interest in Ralph’s career…”

MBP (tries to interrupt):  “Sorry, we never had that conv..”

Kimber (ignores him, continuing): “following the success of his first season. I often WhatsApp or call Ralph late at night to check in, which shows how committed I am to nurturing our star players moving forwards.”

An audible silence fills the room as he stops talking, punctuated by an awkward cough (Jack Davidson finishing his third cigarette of the press conference). Ralph, who had just quietly taken his seat, immediately gets up and walks out of the room, shaking his head.

Journalist: “Ron Scott here, GB News (the rest of the clubhouse groans). Forsyth has indicated that he isn’t fully retiring, and will still be available to play. Do you have any comment on that?”

MBP and James look at each other, with a glint in their eyes. Smirks turn into full, beaming smiles.

MBP & Kimber, together, as if it had been pre-rehearsed: “We’ve heard the 3s are short on players next season.”