Official Club Statement: Forsyth Steps Down

Old Tiffinians Football Club can confirm that First Team Manager, Will Forsyth, will step down at the conclusion of the 2025/26 season, bringing an end to his seven-year tenure.

Forsyth, along with trusty vice-captain James Kimber, took over in the summer of 2019 after many years learning the ropes as vice captain to club icon Dicky Bostelmann. The magnitude of the job soon overwhelmed the pair, with Kimber engineering a global pandemic to “give them time to think”. Two seasons of last-minute cancellations, clubhouse closures and socially distanced football followed forcing the boys to learn the admin ropes quickly. A season was cruelly abandoned in February with the team gunning for a league title, and Forsyth is now often seen staring into the middle distance at Grists, shaking his head at the thought of what might have been.

Relative normality returned in summer 2021 and Forsyth took the unusual decision to overlook footballing ability in favour of handsomeness, and set about creating a group who he thoroughly enjoyed spending time with in the pub. It just so happened they could play football pretty well too, with the team achieving two promotions and a cup final in the next five seasons.

The club wishes to place on record their thanks to everyone who tolerated playing under Forsyth’s reign of terror. Two beautiful, magnificent permanent successors will be announced in due course.

-Ends-

 

Transcript from press conference:

Club Secretary Ben Harrison leads a tearful, bleary eyed Forsyth from the dressing room where he has just told the players. Champagne corks and laughter can be heard, and the opening bars of “Opa, Opa” start playing as the doors close behind them.

Harrison: “Right, let’s keep this brief. Who’s got a question?”

Journalist: “Hi Will, Pat Gurns-Beak, the Guardian. Can you address the rumours that you’re stepping down because you’re too old and sh*t to play any more?”

Forsyth narrow arrows his eyes and swigs from a pint of Old Tiffs Pale Ale. He points to his man of the match award from the cup final now tattooed on his chest.

Forsyth: “Don’t you have any better questions?”

Journalist: “Will, Gary Kimble here, Grazia Magazine. Is it true that you are taking the decision to step back from playing as well to spend your Saturdays with your family and newly born son?”

Forsyth: “Not at all, my wife wouldn’t allow that. I will be first at pre-season training for 2026/27. Saturday is her day.”

Journalist: “And is there anyone you’d like to thank?”

Forsyth takes a folded piece of paper from his pocket. Harrison rolls his eyes, the room sighs.

Forsyth: “Firstly to Herr Nutt, Dicky Bostelmann and the committee for trusting me with this enormous responsibility. *swigs from his pint* All the many players who have done my running for me while I’ve dithered over substitutions (mostly Jordan) *sob, swig* and to the VCs and leadership group members – Kimber, MBP, Seb, Luke *swig, burp* Keiran and the King of the North – for all the support over the years. We’d have lost every game without them.”

Forsyth stands, chair clattering, and points down the camera, slurring incoherently in a terrible Glasgow accent.

Forsyth: “Your job now is to support your new manager.”

The only two journalists in the room look at each other, bemused. Forsyth shrugs off Harrison and storms out the Grists patio door, tripping and spilling his pint.