OTFC Is vs London Welsh (A)

6th April 2019

London Welsh 3 - 3 OTFC Is

Old Tiffinians FC: choose your own final game of the season adventure

The year is 2019. You are Dicky Bostelmann, the captain of Old Tiffinians FC 1st XI, a sleeping giant of the AFC South Division 1. Just one match stands between you and eternal, end-of-season glory.

It’s your final game at the helm, and the odds are stacked against your team as your purple-clad mid-table canon fodder play against promotion hopefuls London Welsh. However, it’s all about making the right choice at the right moment. Just 90 minutes stands between Old Tiffs and the ultimate dead-rubber victory.

Go to THE START to begin your final game of the season adventure. The very best of luck. You’ll need it.



Kick-off looms large. London Welsh, 2nd in the league and only needing a point to guarantee promotion, await at kick-off. Ahead of the game, the enduring tactical question in this ultimate chess match, is who to pick in your back three? Do you stick to the tried and tested Bostelmann-Robini-Kimber combination, or start the mercurial bone-shaking “midfielder” Luke Peake at the heart of defence?

To start Luke in the centre of midfield, got to OPTION ONE. To put the top-knotted-bandit on the right side of a back three, go to OPTION TWO.



Roared on by the passionate away support (attendance, 1 – Tim Robini), you get your teeth into Welsh early on. The high press is working, with Luke channelling his inner Jordan Henderson, crunching into several tackles early on to win the ball high up the pitch.

As the first half progresses, Welsh work their way into the game and begin to look more secure. Seb, feeling the pressure and squealing at a high pitch, rolls the ball straight to the opposition striker tos make it 1-0.

But that’s only the start. London Welsh pour forward, and Luke takes the game into his own hands, first of all getting a yellow card for booting Welsh’s dangerous number 9 10ft in the air, then punting the ball into his own net from 35 yards for a ludicrous own goal.

Peake receives his second yellow after 43 minutes and marches off the field. The mighty Purps concede another 6 goals in the 2nd half, and finish with Forsyth in goal, after Seb receives his 2nd sin bin of the season.

Your final game of the season adventure ends here



You start Luke at the left side of the back three, giving fresh-from-Pryzm Robini time to re-hydrate on the touchline for the first 25 minutes.

Luke is heroic – confident on the ball, throwing himself into wonderful last-ditch blocks and dominating the aerial exchanges. All in all, defensively things look relatively solid, other than a certain member of the backline. Kimber, one silkily-sprung-offside-trap aside, has misjudged the ball a few times due to rocky turf (and fear of heading the ball). However, Seb mops everything up and distributes like a demon.

By the end of the half, the Jordan, Will and Hucks are dominating the midfield, and bringing Rory and Joe into the game with their searing runs.

The half-time whistle goes, 0-0. A solid start. At half-time, you’ve got a decision to make…

To hand over the captain’s armband to Luke and keep him on at centre half for the rest of the game, go to OPTION THREE. To repeatedly change the back three to keep everyone on their toes, go to OPTION FOUR.



Luke sweats and toils at the back – the place he was born to play. Barking orders, screaming at his brothers-in-arms…

But it goes a step too far.

Luke screams so hard, and for so long, that his teammates start to turn on their new skipper. What was previously constructive feedback and encouragement, gradually drifts into nonsensical sounds.

The referee stops the game when Luke is wailing in a combination of French and Italian, in a Stockport accent, while headbutting the ground.

Match abandoned, and the 3 points are handed to London Welsh.

Your final game of the season adventure ends here



Gorgeous Alan, with his wrist in plaster, appears on the touchline shortly before half-time. Kimber mutters something in your ear about a tight hammy (despite moving perfectly normally), so you roll-on Robini in his place.

Kimber stands abnormally close to Alan on the touchline.

The second half starts as the first ended, as the mighty Tiffs flood forward. Colin is looking lively, and to the dismay of his teammates, pokes home the first goal of the game. 1-0, and your tactics appear to be working perfectly.

The opposition are on the back foot, with their angry-looking-slap-headed central midfielder receiving a caution for multiple aggressive infringements. You’ve got a decision to make…

To keep things as they are, go to OPTION FIVE. For a tactical switch, moving Steve Goodings into an advanced role and making full use of rolling subs, go to OPTION SIX.



Legs… Tired, tired legs…

The questionable fitness of the team, other than the hunky Jordan, is cruelly exposed in a way that’s never been witnessed before.

Welsh net an equaliser shortly afterwards, and Sammarco receives his marching orders and a 6-month playing ban for smiling too much at the referee. One becomes two, two becomes three, and to round it off, their angry number 8 scores a bicycle kick from 40 yards.

Final whistle, 4-1 to London Welsh.

Your final game of the season adventure ends here



Tiffs’ stranglehold on the game begins to loosen, and London Welsh work their way back and take the lead with 2 headed goals.

However, Steve is getting his foot on the ball and making things happen and it’s winding up their number 8, hovering precariously on a yellow card…

To be a sportsman and gentleman, go to OPTION SEVEN. To whisper in Steve’s ear to unleash his true diving instincts, go to OPTION EIGHT.



Steve rides a few challenges, gallantly staying on his feet before firing the ball 30 yards over the bar. Another opportunity missed. From the resultant goal kick, Rory looks for Steve, who tries a 70 yard backpass to Seb.

The pass in underhit, and the Welsh number 9 nips in to win the game and credit Steve with his third oppo assist of the season.

Your final game of the season adventure ends here



A ball is fizzed to Steve’s feet, who theatrically goes down and wins a free kick. Their number 8, frothing in the mouth with fury, takes the game into his own hands.

Another late challenge, and the referee produces the second yellow. Despite the howls of protest, the skin-headed

From the next corner Kimber causes havoc, distracting the opposition ‘keeper from making a routine catch, allowing Sammarco to tuck in at the back post. “That’s an impressive stat Clive, his second assist of the season without touching the ball. You can’t teach that – liquid football”.

The next attack is a sumptuous one; a neat one-two from Rory in midfield unleashes the flying fullback, who neatly sidefoots a cute finish past the sprawling goalkeeper, to give Tiffs the lead with just 5 minutes remaining.

To encourage your teammates to keep the ball and win the game, go to OPTION NINE. For the entire team to panic, sit deep, and not touch the ball for the next 5 minutes despite the opposition being down to 10 men, go to OPTION TEN.



Superb tactical nous from the men in purple lead to the Tiffs maintaining 100% possession for the remaining 5 minutes, competing 156 unbroken passes in injury time alone.

As the referee puts the whistle to his lips, Hell opens. The last thing you see before the entire planet is engulfed in flames, is Jordan pirouetting on the ball past 9 Welsh players.

That’s how close you were. That’s how close we all were, to holding on to a lead.

Your final game of the season adventure, and indeed life as we all know it, ends here



Oceans of pressure are upon your brave boys in purple… Just as it looks like they’re about to hold out, a clipped cross finds their number 9 unmarked at the back post, who flicks in a delectable finish at the back post.

The referee blows his whistle. 3-3. Opportunity missed.